We, the dignified and slightly exasperated people of Gambellanovia, in our infinite wisdom and refusal to tolerate further nonsense, do hereby declare our absolute and irrevocable independence from the so-called “United States of America.” The offenses we have suffered are many, the indignities too absurd to bear. No longer shall we be subject to the petty tyrannies of an overcooked bureaucracy, nor shall we endure the confounding illogic of modern governance.
The grievous crimes that have forced our righteous secession include, but are certainly not limited to:
- The unforgivable practice of reducing Dorito bag contents to 70% air, leaves our people betrayed and hungry.
- The systematic failure of self-checkout machines, which either demand human intervention for every purchase or randomly decide that bananas are an age-restricted item.
- The deliberate oppression of functional public restrooms led to the widespread suffering of innocent citizens forced to gamble with their dignity in gas station facilities.
- The deceptive betrayal of fast-food advertisements, which promise towering burgers of perfection but deliver sad, flattened meat sandwiches of despair.
- The outrageous refusal of reality to allow us to declare diplomatic immunity at work, despite our sovereign status and repeated insistence that we should not be held accountable for missing TPS reports.
Furthermore, we must take a moment to address the supreme incompetence of the current global ruling class, whose lack of imagination and leadership has left the world devoid of sufficient holidays, publicly sanctioned naptime, and affordable high-quality capes.
And while our grievances against Earthly authorities are many, we must not forget our enmity toward Neptune. That wretched, over-hyped gas giant, with its ridiculous winds and its holier-than-thou, blue-hued arrogance, has long stood in defiance of Gambellanovia’s cosmic ambitions. Let it be known that Gambellanovia does not and shall never recognize the legitimacy of Neptune. We shall never acknowledge its so-called “moon system,” and we scoff at its deeply suspicious “Great Dark Spot,” which is clearly up to something nefarious.
Therefore, let it be proclaimed that Gambellanovia shall now and forever govern itself according to the sacred principles of Sovereignty and the Right to Call Out Cosmic Nonsense. We shall rise as an independent power, unshackled from the oppression of weak coffee, malfunctioning vending machines, and the stranglehold of Neptune’s insufferable existence.
Any nation or celestial body that dares challenge our independence shall face the full wrath of Gambellanovia’s imposing and completely hypothetical military, including but not limited to sternly worded letters, dramatically raised eyebrows, and, if necessary, an Official Gambellanovian Challenge to a Duel (pistols, sabers, or a round of Mario Kart, as per diplomatic negotiations).
Long live Gambellanovia! Long live His Imperial Majesty, James I! Long live a nation where justice is served, snacks are plentiful, and Neptune remains an unacceptable menace to interplanetary dignity!